What I Learned From Catholic Marriage Preparation (Part One)

Last weekend, my fiancé and I attended the mandatory marriage preparation course offered through the church where we’ll be married. When I say ‘mandatory’, I don’t mean that the Church ‘recommends’ taking this course before the wedding [with good intention] but you’re somehow able to get yourself out of it with a good enough reason before your wedding day. No. If you (or better yet, your heterosexual partner) wish to be married between the four walls of a Catholic Church, by a Catholic priest, and within the context of the Catholic faith, you MUST take this course; otherwise, the Church will tell you to take a hike and find another qualified individual to do your dirty work. 

Before embarking on my journey through Catholic marriage prep, I spoke to many different couples who were already married by the Catholic Church, just to get an idea of what I’d be walking into. As any fellow non-believer might imagine, the stories I got from these couples were less than favourable. Some couples said their prep courses were very focused on faith in marriage (…and Jesus makes three); some couples claimed their courses were about being fruitful and multiplying (…where birth control is sanctioned by the devil himself); and other couples felt that their courses were less about pre-marital counselling and more about reconciliation (…for the sin of cohabiting before marriage). Needless to say, I walked through the doors of that church with some non-Heather-esque preconceived notions about what the next ten hours of my life would be like.

While the ‘scary’ things I’d heard from friends did play a small role in our program outline, it wasn’t as bad as I’d been told. There was a lot of one-on-one time, where we got to sit together as a couple and focus on communication – just the two of us. There was also a fair amount of time spent with a larger group of our peers, where we got to hear real stories from married couples who had once been in our shoes. It wasn’t all bad; it wasn’t all good. But it WAS a chance to get to know each other better without distractions. 

Here are some of the valuable aspects I took from our marriage prep class:

1. We really focused on communication. 

Too often as couples, we let ourselves get distracted by our surroundings – TV, internet and smart phones alike – which hinders our ability to truly communicate with each other. Even if we sit down to have a serious discussion at home, we’re never 100 per cent committed to the conversation because our favourite show is starting in ten minutes or the phone rings. During the marriage prep workshop, we put away our phones and focused solely on our dynamic as a couple, which helped us work through some tough issues and feelings that get tossed in the corner at home.

2. We got to understand our individual family dynamics and how they influence our decision-making process today.

Sometimes we forget that we come from different family backgrounds and therefore, have different ideas about how to, say, divide the household duties between us, or spend our holidays. This concept is not unique to us; every couple goes through the same scenarios when they join two different lives under one roof. Many couples don’t talk about their differences and how to iron out the kinks because it can be an uncomfortable conversation to have. Instead, we walk around ‘correcting’ our partner’s mistakes, all the while secretly cursing their name because they haven’t yet learned that clean socks should be rolled into balls instead of folded over. The marriage prep program allowed us to look into how the things we do came to be understood as common sense in our families of origin, and then talk about what we like and dislike about how our family structures worked. This will save us a lot of anguish in the future when planning large gatherings with both sets of families.

3. We dug deep into how we feel about our financial situations.

Even though we had already discussed the issue of finances several times in the past, the set of questions we were issued during this portion of the course went in a different direction than we thought to discuss. We both knew each other’s financial situations prior to taking the marriage prep course, but we never really focused on anything more than the numbers. In our couple’s text book, we answered such questions as: In what ways is money a source of conflict for us? What would I like to change? What, if any, concerns do I have about how you spend money? What is my chief goal for five years from now? Am I content with how our jobs/careers affect our relationship? Why? Essentially, we were able to focus on how we FEEL about money, instead of just focusing on the numbers themselves. 

Open communication is the key to a successful relationship. Every couple should have these important discussions before agreeing to legally join their assets in marriage. It’s plain and simple: If you can’t talk openly with your partner about otherwise uncomfortable subjects, then you shouldn’t get married in the first place. To this logic, I whole-heartedly agree. And I’m glad my fiancé and I had the chance to review our feelings and concerns in a controlled environment. 

I’ve just expressed the positive aspects that I took away from Catholic marriage preparation. In my next post, I’ll go through the content that really boiled my blood.

Until next time…

Thanks for reading!

Heather, a.k.a. The Pretty Little Atheist

Nothing Happens For A Reason

Lately, I’ve been on a mad dash to find a job in my field of study. I’ve been at it since the end of April; but I’ve recently started attacking my search at full force in hopes of getting my new career off the ground. But, to my chagrin, I’ve been unsuccessful in my efforts. In fact, only one in twenty jobs I apply for actually results in an interview, which in turn leads to those oh so awesome emails and phone calls that tell me I’m perfectly qualified for the job BUT they’ve decided to go in a different direction.

Why am I bringing this up on The Pretty Little Atheist, you ask?

For one thing, when I talk to friends and relatives about my frustrations, most of them automatically gravitate towards the old adage(s), “It just wasn’t meant to be” or “Everything happens for a reason.” But what exactly do these expressions mean?

Both sentences stem from an understanding that our lives – within this world – are governed by some type of external force that has somehow pre-determined the course of events that will ultimately lead to fulfilling the greater purpose of humanity. In other words, these two simple expressions convey a completely religious and solipsistic way of thinking about our lives. It’s as if the billions of human beings throughout existence have each had their own special mission appointed by [the] god[s], whether that mission was to endure homelessness, illness, torture, hunger, poverty, abuse, or addiction… for the greater good of god’s awesome world.

It’s astonishing to me, as an atheist, that anyone still believes that the horrible circumstances listed above are somehow part of a plan crafted by an omniscient, omnipotent being. If there was a god, wouldn’t s/he create opportunities for goodness and growth in the world, instead of subjecting humanity to indecencies as part of her/his plan? And don’t give me that “original sin” bullshit, either!

People who follow the biblical teachings of Christianity, in particular, seem to be the first ones to jump on the idea that we somehow have a greater purpose to fulfill. And this greater purpose stems from the Christian ideology that “God created the heavens and the earth. He created everything on this earth, and most importantly, He created man in His own image. The creation of mankind was special in God’s eyes.” By this ‘logic’, it’s easy to see how Christians – who are taught that the Bible is the direct word of god, and that god is the law – can’t and won’t believe anything other than the solipsistic world view that human beings were put on the Earth to fulfill special, individual tasks related to god’s ultimate plan.

Herein lies the problem: If humanity continues to worship a god that probably doesn’t exist, how can anyone move beyond the belief that our lives are pre-destined, pre-determined, and purposeful? (I use the word ‘purposeful’ not in the sense that our lives are devoid of meaningful experiences that are unique to our own individual journeys through life, but rather in the context that our lives are not governed by an ‘ultimate purpose,’ whereby everything we do has a higher meaning than what we see.) This way of thinking can make us feel inferior and depressed because we’re somehow not living up to our ‘reason for existing.’ I believe we need to move past blaming an otherworldly character for our own downfalls, and instead, admit that sometimes shit happens. Sometimes fault lies in our actions and thought patterns; sometimes, we can blame the greater economy; and other times, we can just chalk up our downfalls to plain old bad luck.

I am henceforth calling for a society in which we take pride in driving our lives forward; and pick ourselves up when we fall behind. We can (and will!) stop blaming ‘god’ for our shortcomings. We will replace “It just wasn’t meant to be” with “You fucked it up. Get over it. You’ll do better next time,” and replace “Everything happens for a reason” with “You, and several other factors in the world in which you live, have produced an unwanted result in your life’s work. You will learn from this mistake so as not to repeat it in the future; and then you will thrive based on those results.”

Here’s to a happy, fruitful, and non-purposeful journey through life! Thanks for reading.

Heather, a.k.a. The Pretty Little Atheist

Total Liars Club

I reluctantly admit that I have an unusual fascination with TLC – otherwise known as The Learning Channel. When I say my fascination is ‘unusual’, I’m not referring to some strange interest in poor quality television, but rather to my own incessant need to understand why anyone would believe any of the crap that’s aired on the misleadingly-titled network. The word ‘Learning’ is imbedded in the network’s name, so one would naturally assume that TLC’s programming is somehow educational.

Perhaps the network maintains its title image by appealing to ignorant, right-wing North Americans, who put their faith in the seemingly compassionate nature of TLC’s show schedule lineup. You know, the great reality shows of our time that follow such plot lines as: Obese individuals on a journey to weight loss or self-love in a diet-obsessed universe; Mormon polygamists searching for acceptance in a predominately monogamous world; moms of under-aged beauty queens looking for parental validation in a helicopter-parenting society; Fundamentalist Christian families preaching simplicity and overpopulation in a sex-obsessed, birth control-moralizing nation; and self-proclaimed psychics who ‘converse’ with the dead in a perpetually dying civilization.

Not only is the programming on the so-called learning channel not educational, it’s downright offensive to the scientific community. There should be SOME truth to a network that claims to teach something of value to their viewership. But this clearly isn’t the case, as there isn’t a single show on TLC that preaches knowledge through science. Perhaps the network should seek to become more inclusive by adding a show or two about evolution; and air it, of course, right after an episode of that family with 20 kids. Or they could take a cue from The Discovery Channel and include a show about proving the existence – or non-existence – of ghosts.

Sure, TLC’s shows are entertaining – in a dizzying, roundabout, frenetic, freak show sort of way – but they’re not even the least bit educational. Yet, I still flip the channel to watch that guy with four wives…

Thanks for tuning in!

Heather, a.k.a. The Pretty Little Atheist

Just for fun, check out the Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian on Evil Bible.com

**Please not that The Pretty Little Atheist is in no way affiliated with TLC (or The Discovery Channel). This is merely an opinion piece about the network’s choice of programming**

It’s a Nice Day for a White Wedding

As I briefly mentioned in my last post, I recently got engaged. He’s the most thoughtful, understandable, and kindest individual I’ve ever dated…and he’s a traditional Catholic.

I was raised in a Catholic family, just like my fiancé; but unlike him, I left the idea of God behind with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Even though he doesn’t attend Sunday mass or pray before bedtime, he still holds a belief in something otherworldly, and therefore, insists on getting married in the Catholic Church. When I asked why he's so insistent on having a Catholic ceremony, the only answer he could come up with was, “I like the traditional values of the Catholic faith.”

Like a good little Atheist, I obviously grilled him about his ‘reasoning’. It’s not enough for Fiancé to say he enjoys the Church’s traditions; I wanted a concrete reason as to why Catholic traditions are so important to him. After all, if I’m going to make such an important compromise that it goes against my Atheist values, then I deserve a solid answer, complete with a list of references, flow charts, and statistical reports. Sounds reasonable.

After a lot of debating (albeit, with very few concrete answers) and countless accusations of trying to ‘convert’ each other, I finally agreed (conceded?) to grin and bear it at the foot of the altar because not only will it make Fiancé happy, but both of our devoutly Catholic families.

There may be a few people in the blogosphere calling me a hack or a hypocrite, but what these people need to understand (and what I fought so hard to conclude) is that I’m outnumbered in my family AND Fiancé’s family. My non-belief makes me part of a minority; so, fighting for the chance to have an Atheist wedding is just not worth losing the man with whom I want to spend my life and build a family. I guess sometimes – as in my case – tradition and family have to take precedence over religious belief systems.

I’m sure I’ll have a lot to write about once we start attending the mandatory group Catholic marriage preparation classes. And I can almost guarantee I’ll have some choice material to share as my family and Fiancé’s family begin offering their opinions about how our wedding should proceed. In other words, stay tuned for ten months of Catholic versus Atheist wedding talk!

Before I sign off, I have a question for all my readers: Have you gone through something similar, where you had to put your values aside (religious or otherwise) to make someone else happy (or prevent a war)? If so, what was the situation and how did it make you feel? It doesn’t have to be a specifically ‘Religion versus Atheism’ debate. I look forward to your comments.

Thanks for reading.

Heather <3

A.k.a. The Pretty Little Atheist.

God, No!

It’s been awhile since I last posted anything on The Pretty Little Atheist. Life got a little hectic on my end with a very large move, a fruitless job search, and an engagement. But I’m back and ready to blog!

Back in July, I promised to do a follow-up to my last post entitled, “In the Beginning… (Part One)”. However, since it’s been a whopping six months since my last post, I think I’ll save Part Two for sometime in the near future. Right now, I’d like to talk about the book I’m reading called God, No! Signs You May Already Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales by Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller).

I’m only a third of the way through Mr. Jillette’s no-nonsense, no-holds-barred commentary on the ridiculous nature of The Ten Commandments, and I’m so captivated that I need to write about it NOW. Each chapter accounts an atheist-inspired story; and each story is categorized into one of ten sections that in some way reflects the different biblical commandments. Each section opens with the biblical version of the appropriate commandment, followed by a brief statement disproving the need for said commandment, ending with an atheist version of that particular commandment – appropriately titled The Penn Commandments.

Here’s a brief sample of the first section of God, No!:

**The Bible’s First Commandment: Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

“The greatest thing about provable reality is that by definition reality is shared. Every argument is really an agreement – an agreement that there is a reality that can be shared, judged, and discussed. To argue over whether the speed of light is constant or Batman could beat up the Lone Ranger is to share the parameters. God is solipsistic; reality is shared” (Penn Jillette, from God, No!).

One atheist’s first suggestion: The highest ideals are human intelligence, creativity, and love. Respect these above all.**

To us atheists, this seems like a pretty tame way to start a book about non-belief. Penn Commandment number one makes sense to those of us who appreciate honesty and integrity above anything else. But if anyone in the super Judeo-Christian community got their hands on this book, those heads must be reeling with the immediate-action responses they’re taught to spew at non-believers during Sunday morning worship. Or, perhaps there are a few Bible-thumpers out there who read this first page and actually took the time to think about what it means. THAT is what Mr. Jillette seems hopeful in achieving with this book: The power to think beyond what we are told, and instead, start to question the validity of such nonsense.

God, No! is a fantastic read that includes Mr. Jillette’s first-hand experience with people turning to a life of atheism. In this book, you’ll find stories about: Why Penn thinks it’s ridiculous for a magician to never reveal his/her secrets; the real reason why Penn adores the most obvious of fake boobs; why Penn believes that agnostics are full of shit; and how he ended up eating bacon with an Ex-Hasidic Jew.

If you have the chance to pick up a copy of Penn Jillette’s God, No!, please do. I promise you, it’s worth a few laughs, sighs, and head shakes. A big thank you to my brother, Steve, for buying me this wonderful book.

Thanks for stopping by The Pretty Little Atheist.

Heather <3